Written by Heather | 09 January 2012

Well, I did it.  I went a full month - a little over a month really - with a major cutback in Twitter usage and media intake.  Oh, sure I broke my own rules a few times.  But I remained true to the spirit of the blackout.  I read very, very little Sabres coverage.  If I missed a game or parts of a game, I didn't fret about it.  If I wasn't in the mood to give the game laser focus, I didn't. Sometimes I fell asleep during games.  Sometimes I paid more attention to what I was reading.  Sometimes I sat down in front of the TV having no idea who we were playing or who exactly was going to be in a Sabres uniform that night.  (Although with all the injuries I think we all felt like that at some point in December.) And when the final buzzer sounded, I moved on to something else and didn't give the Sabres much thought until the next game.  I didn't sweat the bad games, I tried to take pleasure in small things - admittedly,sometimes VERY small things - and I didn't get involved in very many hockey debates or arguments.  It was pretty much the opposite of how I've gone about being a fan for the last few years.

It was wonderful.  

Seriously, it was.  It was just what I needed.  I highly recommend giving yourself a little part of the season - a week, a couple of weeks, a month - where you just care a little bit less about the Sabres. The season is certainly long enough for it.  This was the first time I've felt truly comfortable in my fandom skin in quite a while, going back to last season really.  This month really clarified some things for me about how I'm taking in sports.  One of the things it clarified for me is that it's time for me to quit blogging here about the Sabres.  

I've really been struggling with this since I went back to school about a year and a half ago. Between a full class load and two part-time jobs, my time is really limited.  I can count on one hand the number of Sabres games I've seen in entirety this season.  The rest have been missed - some partially and many completely - because of my other commitments.  Every time I've started to shut things down before, something has come up that's made me push on a little longer.  A Blogger Summit with Ted Black?  Awesome!  Would I like to ride in a limo with a couple of Sabres?  Yes, I would, thanks!  Press box access?  Might be cool for a couple of nights, sure!  And sometimes it was more simple things: a really interesting and thought-provoking conversation about fighting in hockey, an unexpected and delightful email about something I'd written, or one of those rare games that just seems like perfection in a 60 minute package.  But this past month, I have to admit, was a relief.  It was a relief to let something go so I had a little more breathing room.  Something needed to go.  I love, love, love hockey, and I even love the ol' dumbass Sabres, but I just don't have the time, energy, or desire to spend as much time thinking and writing about them as I did when I first started writing here close to five years ago.  I've been beating myself up for a while about not watching enough and not writing enough and that's pretty darn silly.  Blogging is like sports.  If it's not fun, what's the point?  In this period of my life, I need to embrace a more casual fandom.  I've been afraid to do that for some reason, but it's time.

I was originally planning on celebrating the end of my blackout with a night in the press box.  Even after I decided I wasn't going to be continuing here, I thought it might be fun to do it anyway, a last hurrah, kind of a commentary on how far blogging has come since I started.  Ultimately, however, it didn't really feel like the right way to go out.  Top Shelf has never been about being legitimate or getting press access or anything like that.  I have nothing against those things.  I think a lot of us would agree that sports coverage in Buffalo is kind of stagnant.  New voices and points-of-views are more than welcome, and I'm happy the Sabres are encouraging that.  It's just not what I was ever about.  I've always wanted this blog to be a reflection of what it's like to be a fan.  Irrational love and loyalty to a player even when he sucks.  Irrational hatred and disgust for a player even when he doesn't suck.  The crazy joy of a game-winning goal and the staggering, dagger-like pain of a loss in overtime.  The hours spent arguing about everything, things that matter and things that don't matter. The annoyance with the guy in the press box who sometimes seems to have forgotten what it's like to feel everything deeply and sincerely, to live and die with a team. Ending my hockey blogging time spending the evening as one of them, suppressing all my reactions and emotions?  Gross.

When I first started Top Shelf, I wasn't very familiar with hockey or Buffalo.  It is not at all an exaggeration to say that falling in love with one helped me fall in love with the other.  In 2006, I realized how wonderful hockey can be and through that I realized how wonderful Buffalo can be. Perfect?  No.  Wonderful?  Oh, yes.  So many of my favorite memories of the last five years involve hanging out and watching and talking about hockey.  When I think about all the amazing people I've met through this blog - some of my favorite people in the world- it really does choke me up a little bit.  I'm so blessed.  I'm so thankful for all of you.  It would be a lie for me to say that I've been writing this blog all this time just for me - if it was just for me, I'd write it in a notebook and stick it in a drawer - but it does still boggle my mind a bit that anyone who isn't related to me has found anything I've written here to be even the least bit interesting or entertaining.  If you've ever commented on a post, or tweeted a response, or sent me an email, thank you. If you've just been quietly reading and enjoying, thank you.  I can't even tell you how much I've appreciated it.  You helped me find my place here.  You helped make Buffalo home.  You really did.  Sports are so incredibly powerful that way sometimes.  It's really amazing how something that doesn't really matter can matter so much.



I'm not going away completely.  I'm already thinking about a non-hockey blog, one where I can talk about whatever ol' thing I want without feeling the pressure to stick to any kind of timetable.  And I'll still be on Twitter, and I'm sure I'll still be railing about how we need more defensemen who play defense among other things.  After all, there's no going back now.  Buffalo and the Sabres are a part of me whether I like it or not.  

As the great Fozzie Bear once said, "Somehow I know, we'll meet again.  Not sure quite where and I don't know just when.  You're in my heart, so until then, it's time for saying goodbye."  

Let's go Buff-a-lo!